Values

And he said to me, "who ever told you, who got it in your head that I would want to trade for something new and exciting? I know i didn't tell you that. Did it ever occur to you that I like knowing someone inside and out? To know everything about them and what they're like? Why don't you put a higher value on that?"

I didn't have a response beyond truly thinking I just never thought someone could ever feel that way about me.

third party

a few weeks back i got the flu and S decided to come up and take care of me. i had just thought it was a visit to cheer me up and perhaps he would be in tow of some fluids and medicine. he came up with more than i could come up with. honestly i love taking care of him and has had to on a few occasions but he basically had put me to shame. i had snapped a picture of his care package and posted on my tumblr.

a week later a guy told me (regarding the picture): "this is the stuff that inspires boys to become men."

this was the single most nicest comment I've ever been a third party to. it just happened to be even better because it came from one man about another. 

To be heard.  To be understood.  To be loved even when she may not have it all figured out or together in the moment.  That is what creates the love that no man can come between and will give you a lifetime of happiness. Remember, listening is her air. (from dad-isms)

tea+bed+books=bliss

just finished: the last lecture by randy pausch
starting: lit by mary karr and east of eden by john steinbeck
half finished: eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
queue: the art of racing in the rain by garth stein

post bar relief

the idiosyncratic ways that I love...you.

Since the bar exam:
-yardhouse with the bar takers -photobooth freaking love -shopping like I’ve been confined in chains -unpack unload and speed to oc -proof/Crosby/alerts carne asada fries -more shopping -brodards nommers -house party <3 -beach packing -sleep-ins -in and out cravings fixed! -doggie park!! -joint car washing and emi bath -blvd3 -3 hours of House -dinner with schmucks -OC fair (blooming onion/chopped pork sandwich/deep fried Oreos/chocolate covered bacon/bacon wrapped cream cheese jalapeño peppers/BBQ corn/red candy apple) -tarjay and book run -toy treasure chest (friendship bracelets and mini super soaker guns) -bowling night -shaved ice and bobs -imaginarium of doctor parnassus -tanning -packages galore!

To be continued :)

on (y)our terms

We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.

____________________________________

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remind blind to our fatal weaknesses.On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out-since our self-image is untenable-their false notions of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, the evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Hellen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan. No expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of diving and meeting the next demand made upon us.

-Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem

days like these make me question what we're in. and to the outside world, how flawed we must seem. filled with little tears and rips, resewn and restrung, put out of place. we cant possibly be perfect...we cant possibly be. then by some faint shimmer, i wonder, if i can harbor these fears, if i can throw my feelings in to the air and scream soundlessly but yet still think of you... maybe its no different for you. maybe we're not different. the wordlessness of us...could they understand? will either of us ever accept?

you said you'd try for me. and today you did. you stayed long enough to sound out my worries and make them your own. you're here. i let myself go there. it wasn't so far after all.

later

Trust me, I don't want to be here if you don't want to be here.

years

after 25 years, I dont know if I feel all that special. In anything. Sure, I'm in law school, a good enough student for what its worth, but I don't know if I've done anything to tap into what sets me apart from anyone else. I want to do something, be engaged in something, anything removed from this.

superbowl

<3

on a mission

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
--Tom Robbins

I think I'm going a little Valentine's crazy. Haha...don't tell me its a Hallmark holiday, and don't tell me that its a day meant for something you should do everyday...what's life if you can't just go a little love-crazed for one day in the year?

promise

I promise to be nice to you from now on. I'm sorry.

always

"Set The Fire To The Third Bar"
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms



im so tired of always missing you. its draining, its tiring to always want but never have you here. it dont know how to explain it to you... its been like this since Ive met you and it wont let up. I dont know if it ever will and it kills, it crazes me to my core.

January 17

...promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh

there's few people I've met in my life thus far that have truly impressed me...especially those who after spending a lot of time with that I can still characterize as so. There are, of course, those who are smart, or fun, or funny, or interesting, or pretty, or anything else in the world worth admiring. But about 3 years ago, I met someone who truly was all these things all at the same time-- and yet was still so human. Its that humanness that makes me appreciate her even more.

In her weakest moments, she still impresses me with her resilience, her unwavering determination to love and love hard and not let anyone or anything change that about her. I like that, I respect that...to hope and give against all odds. The fact that she's smart without an inch of haughtiness --but rather-- really cares for the success of those around her. She would be patient just so she can help you share in the same experience. She's fun and funny without having to change herself to affect those around her. She embraces everything that interests her and well, made it definitely cool to be nerdy or different.

she listens when I whine, when I complain...even when she cant really listen to the same conversation for the 80th time, she is patient. At times, she makes me feel like the little things I enjoy aren't weird or my struggles arent so abnormal because she has this innate ability to understand despite when everyone else cant.

I love to let people know I think about them-- when I see something, experience them, when I miss them-- I tell them, show them-- I haven't met many people who does that-- who will stop in their tracks and simply say "hey, I thought of you"...and she does it. She brings mementos, she appreciates the interconnectivity of people's conversations with her, their interests and makes them feel at home in their own skin.

our disagreement regarding werewolves and vampires doesnt divide us, it brings us closer. And I'm really going to throw this out there...if I had a chance with my dream man...I'd introduce Jude to her. Man, that's a lot of love I have for this girl.

In a time when madness, insaneness, and stress ruled, she made it a better place by just being so. utterly. herself. Thank you for all the laughs, tears, conversations, ridiculousness and above all, for being in my life.

I hope you already knew all this, my sci-fri british fiend. And in case you didn't-- now you know.

happy birthday-- i wish you an amazing year. you are loved and this one's for you.

believe it.

You may not be his first, his last, or his only. He loved before, he may love again. But if he loves you now, what else matters? He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
-Bob Marley

…time can be a greedy thing - sometimes it steals all the details for itself.
-the kite runner

how he would agree

(everyday) HER TO HIM: “I hate it when you act as if I mean nothing to you!” *stomps her feet*

HIM TO HER: “And I hate it when you think you mean nothing to me when in fact you’re my everything!" *pouts*

you.

Someday, someone will walk into your life
and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

I have those days where I feel you falling, when you're drunk on my kiss, and you cant help but be by me. I am consumed by the way it feels, how it shows in your every touch and how it gives me this indefinable high. I have that feeling thats borderline excited and nervous all at the same time. I wonder what it'd be like if I felt like this all the time. Encompassed with rapture and all the little things you do that makes me swell and seemingly want to burst. I wonder if that how I make you feel...I wonder if it makes you so scared to be so happy.

cycles

there are some weeks where you're totally on top of the world...everything is in tune and in sync...but you can feel that it might end. it might break if you're not careful. and the desperation to hold on to that high is so intense that you know you're going to squeeze all the air thats necessary to maintain it.

then you do. then the following weeks/days become the stark reality against which you slip into that despair of tasting the sweetness and having lost it. but you saw it coming, you knew it had to be and you can just sit and wait for the conditions to cycle you back to that spot again.

________________________________________________________________________________________

anyhow-- spent this weekend studying, working out, watching daybreakers which i think i love but only everything before the ending and then drinking myself to submission with bear at yardhouse. dont ever do that when youre emotionally unstable over school/career stuff. not a pretty scene. then had a leisurely sunday getting conned by "lost tapes" on the animal planet which almost brought me to tears and proves in 3 hours to be the most addictive show...to be disappointed that the "real lost tapes and footage" was not at all that--real. wtf. bummer to the tenth degree. spent the rest of the day strolling around farmers market and then ended the day with lounging, pillow talk and the wedding planner/failure to launch.

today, had class all day, complete with a boba run, happy hour, paranormal activity movie night and JERSEY SHORE. haha soooo addicting-- like watching a car accident-- just. cant. look. away. must learn how to duck.

this is us.

there is, there is.

“I miss you. Whenever something funny happens, I always want you to tell you about it.”

— Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), Sex and the City

“Who you want to be is not nearly as important as who you are right now.” 

“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live…..the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.”

— Alexandre Dumas

 

 

“Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time, the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing; one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic. The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance.”

— Gregory Godek

 

“Sleeping to dream about you, and I’m so tired of having to live without you, but I don’t mind cause I’m sleeping to dream about you.”

— Sleeping to dream, Jason Mraz

 

good night world.

 

 

sparks

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”
— Washington Irving

"Music is enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime is not enough for music."
Sergei Rachmaninov

already perfect.

in these certain moments, i am so here, so myself. the person i see in me is happy, content. secure. but then at others, i'm so far from here.

i want you to always bring me back to myself. bring me back to you. the words I remember that drown me in your love will hold me with out touch.