Values

And he said to me, "who ever told you, who got it in your head that I would want to trade for something new and exciting? I know i didn't tell you that. Did it ever occur to you that I like knowing someone inside and out? To know everything about them and what they're like? Why don't you put a higher value on that?"

I didn't have a response beyond truly thinking I just never thought someone could ever feel that way about me.

third party

a few weeks back i got the flu and S decided to come up and take care of me. i had just thought it was a visit to cheer me up and perhaps he would be in tow of some fluids and medicine. he came up with more than i could come up with. honestly i love taking care of him and has had to on a few occasions but he basically had put me to shame. i had snapped a picture of his care package and posted on my tumblr.

a week later a guy told me (regarding the picture): "this is the stuff that inspires boys to become men."

this was the single most nicest comment I've ever been a third party to. it just happened to be even better because it came from one man about another. 

To be heard.  To be understood.  To be loved even when she may not have it all figured out or together in the moment.  That is what creates the love that no man can come between and will give you a lifetime of happiness. Remember, listening is her air. (from dad-isms)

tea+bed+books=bliss

just finished: the last lecture by randy pausch
starting: lit by mary karr and east of eden by john steinbeck
half finished: eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
queue: the art of racing in the rain by garth stein

post bar relief

the idiosyncratic ways that I love...you.

Since the bar exam:
-yardhouse with the bar takers -photobooth freaking love -shopping like I’ve been confined in chains -unpack unload and speed to oc -proof/Crosby/alerts carne asada fries -more shopping -brodards nommers -house party <3 -beach packing -sleep-ins -in and out cravings fixed! -doggie park!! -joint car washing and emi bath -blvd3 -3 hours of House -dinner with schmucks -OC fair (blooming onion/chopped pork sandwich/deep fried Oreos/chocolate covered bacon/bacon wrapped cream cheese jalapeño peppers/BBQ corn/red candy apple) -tarjay and book run -toy treasure chest (friendship bracelets and mini super soaker guns) -bowling night -shaved ice and bobs -imaginarium of doctor parnassus -tanning -packages galore!

To be continued :)

on (y)our terms

We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.

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To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remind blind to our fatal weaknesses.On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out-since our self-image is untenable-their false notions of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, the evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Hellen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan. No expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of diving and meeting the next demand made upon us.

-Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem

days like these make me question what we're in. and to the outside world, how flawed we must seem. filled with little tears and rips, resewn and restrung, put out of place. we cant possibly be perfect...we cant possibly be. then by some faint shimmer, i wonder, if i can harbor these fears, if i can throw my feelings in to the air and scream soundlessly but yet still think of you... maybe its no different for you. maybe we're not different. the wordlessness of us...could they understand? will either of us ever accept?

you said you'd try for me. and today you did. you stayed long enough to sound out my worries and make them your own. you're here. i let myself go there. it wasn't so far after all.