and sometimes, something else happens

I cant say I wasnt devasted. Am devasted. But sometimes, something happens and as much as you hate it, it happened. You pick up the pieces of what's left and you hope to God you have it in you to continue, to make it out ok and honestly, prove yourself worthy. Positive thinking is nice, when you're positive. But in the depths of your fatigue and any single thread left of your confidence, you just gotta do what's gotta be done. If this is what it takes, this is what I'm going to have to do.

tell you something -alicia keys

guess i caught up everyday
trying to keep it all together
while the time just slips away
i know nothing lasts forever

imagine there was tomorrow
imagine that i couldnt see ur face
there aint no limit to my sorrow
so all i can say

i wanna tell u something
give u something
show u in so many ways
'cause it would all mean nothing
if i dont say something
before it all goes away
dont wanna wait to bring you flowers
waste another hour
let alone another day
im gonna tell u something
show you something
wont wait til its too late

i cant wait, i cant wait, i wont wait, i dont wanna wait
i cant wait, i cant wait, i wont wait, i dont wanna wait
wont wait til its to late

just a simple conversation
just a moment is all i takes
i wanna be there just to listen
i wanna be here
& i dont wanna hesitate

imagine there was tomorrow
imagine that i couldnt see ur face
there aint no limit to my sorrow
'cause there is nothing that can fill that space
i put it off for too long
i didnt say all that i had to say
i wanna take the time to right the wrong
before we get to that place

just lean on my shoulder
its is not over til its over
dont worry about it
cuz im gonna make sure our bond gets stronger
i dont wanna wait until the storm
theres nothing wrong & now your gone & i cant find ya

..I've finally crashed into the wall that you've built.

Something more

It's funny when we think back at our notions of what we thought we wanted in another until you're with someone who changes all that. I use to think I wanted this overly mushy cuddly boy or maybe someone who would give me everything I wanted...someone who let me be a brat bc he was powerless over me... But what I want, what I have, is an equal partner. Someone who won't let me be bratty bc he expects more from me, someone who is different that teaches me the things I never cared to listen to from anyone else, someone who knows what I am capable of and doesn't expect anything less...someone who cares and likes me enough to let me be an individual first and not to be defined or limited by a role, a projection...

Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose... I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, "Yes, I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you never got in
And now you're outside me, you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

the luckiest

Every day poses a novel experiment. What is it about you that I like so much? The first year of these tests and trials, of course, comes up with the usual, conventional answers: your smile, our common interests, our big event memories, the whole knowing each other process. The second year is riff with maybe more intimate observations: the confidence you instill in me when I am lacking, your ability to take care of me when my energy is poured elsewhere or just the slow process of finding out that this person really does just fit with you.

But lately, I think I've come closer to the heart of it. Its your ability-- somehow, someway-- in a crowded room, your one look, can make me feel perfectly happy. Perfectly content in my own skin. Its because you're able to show me what I look like in your eyes. And through my faults, through our flaws, through all of it...knowing, sensing, and seeing that how you make me feel is mirrored in how I make you feel. That is, just at the heart of all of this.

can't run from it

Ahh ahh
can you place yourself in a moment's notice,
in my situation?
Increasingly you've made me cold and afraid,
a lonely companion.
Apparently love runs on one way courses,
away from contentment.
Or maybe there's anger that can't be expressed,
that fuels your resentment.

If you gave me a chance to show you,
would I come back and show you?
If you gave me a chance to love you,
could I come back and love you?
I gave you everything, but I couldn't give enough.
Then you threw stones at me
and said that they were thrown in love.

Turns out that I don't really love you at all,
'cause love would find forgiveness.

Save your ammunition for somebody else,
I'm all second chances.
Save your ammunition for somebody else,
I'm all second chances.

Nothing's good, nothing's right, but I love you.
Nothing's good, nothing's right, but I love you

Values

And he said to me, "who ever told you, who got it in your head that I would want to trade for something new and exciting? I know i didn't tell you that. Did it ever occur to you that I like knowing someone inside and out? To know everything about them and what they're like? Why don't you put a higher value on that?"

I didn't have a response beyond truly thinking I just never thought someone could ever feel that way about me.

third party

a few weeks back i got the flu and S decided to come up and take care of me. i had just thought it was a visit to cheer me up and perhaps he would be in tow of some fluids and medicine. he came up with more than i could come up with. honestly i love taking care of him and has had to on a few occasions but he basically had put me to shame. i had snapped a picture of his care package and posted on my tumblr.

a week later a guy told me (regarding the picture): "this is the stuff that inspires boys to become men."

this was the single most nicest comment I've ever been a third party to. it just happened to be even better because it came from one man about another. 

To be heard.  To be understood.  To be loved even when she may not have it all figured out or together in the moment.  That is what creates the love that no man can come between and will give you a lifetime of happiness. Remember, listening is her air. (from dad-isms)

tea+bed+books=bliss

just finished: the last lecture by randy pausch
starting: lit by mary karr and east of eden by john steinbeck
half finished: eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
queue: the art of racing in the rain by garth stein

post bar relief

the idiosyncratic ways that I love...you.

Since the bar exam:
-yardhouse with the bar takers -photobooth freaking love -shopping like I’ve been confined in chains -unpack unload and speed to oc -proof/Crosby/alerts carne asada fries -more shopping -brodards nommers -house party <3 -beach packing -sleep-ins -in and out cravings fixed! -doggie park!! -joint car washing and emi bath -blvd3 -3 hours of House -dinner with schmucks -OC fair (blooming onion/chopped pork sandwich/deep fried Oreos/chocolate covered bacon/bacon wrapped cream cheese jalapeño peppers/BBQ corn/red candy apple) -tarjay and book run -toy treasure chest (friendship bracelets and mini super soaker guns) -bowling night -shaved ice and bobs -imaginarium of doctor parnassus -tanning -packages galore!

To be continued :)

on (y)our terms

We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.

____________________________________

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remind blind to our fatal weaknesses.On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out-since our self-image is untenable-their false notions of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, the evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Hellen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan. No expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of diving and meeting the next demand made upon us.

-Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem

days like these make me question what we're in. and to the outside world, how flawed we must seem. filled with little tears and rips, resewn and restrung, put out of place. we cant possibly be perfect...we cant possibly be. then by some faint shimmer, i wonder, if i can harbor these fears, if i can throw my feelings in to the air and scream soundlessly but yet still think of you... maybe its no different for you. maybe we're not different. the wordlessness of us...could they understand? will either of us ever accept?

you said you'd try for me. and today you did. you stayed long enough to sound out my worries and make them your own. you're here. i let myself go there. it wasn't so far after all.

later

Trust me, I don't want to be here if you don't want to be here.

years

after 25 years, I dont know if I feel all that special. In anything. Sure, I'm in law school, a good enough student for what its worth, but I don't know if I've done anything to tap into what sets me apart from anyone else. I want to do something, be engaged in something, anything removed from this.

superbowl

<3

on a mission

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
--Tom Robbins

I think I'm going a little Valentine's crazy. Haha...don't tell me its a Hallmark holiday, and don't tell me that its a day meant for something you should do everyday...what's life if you can't just go a little love-crazed for one day in the year?

promise

I promise to be nice to you from now on. I'm sorry.

always

"Set The Fire To The Third Bar"
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms



im so tired of always missing you. its draining, its tiring to always want but never have you here. it dont know how to explain it to you... its been like this since Ive met you and it wont let up. I dont know if it ever will and it kills, it crazes me to my core.